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Why Too Much Love Drives Him Crazy
People tend to assume (incorrectly) that their partner wants the same type of help they themselves would crave, according to one of the University of Iowa studies. But there's a big gap between what men and women need when they're upset. "Men retreat and deal with things alone," says Paul Dobransky, MD, director of womenshappiness.com. "Women, on the other hand, band together."
See, guys learn from an early age that their role is the provider and protector. "Being overly helpful sends him the message that he needs assistance and can't handle it without you," explains Paul Coleman, PhD, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy. "He doesn't want to be with someone who thinks he's weak." So give him space to decide for himself how much to share with you and the kind of input he wants. And resist sharing your opinion about what he should do next. One of the University of Iowa studies discovered that no one wants unsolicited advice.
For instance, let's say he got passed over for a promotion. Telling him "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" as you give him a huge hug, suggesting he talk to his boss, and promising to help him look for something new can read as though he failed to live up to your expectations—not to mention pile pressure on him to succeed next time. Instead, express confidence in him. "Just tell him ‘I know you can handle this,' and leave it at that unless he asks for more," Coleman urges. "Listen to him, then remind him of a time in the past when he kicked ass."
What's more, overreacting compounds the issue because now he has yet another thing on his mind: whether you're okay. Suddenly, he's not only worrying about the original problem, but he's also worrying about you being stressed over it.
"Your concern can amplify the magnitude of the situation for him," Coleman adds. For example, if he got into a fight with a friend, firing off a ton of questions and coming up with ways to fix things might make him feel like it's a bigger deal than he had thought. Play down the drama by letting him take the lead in talking about it.
And It Doesn't Work for You Either
When you get up in his grill, chances are, some of his anxiety will rub off on you, and the last thing you need is two stress cases. Distancing yourself a bit will help you stay calm and level-headed—hopefully he'll pick up on your cue and chill out too. Plus, "if you keep offering more support than you receive, you risk building up resentment," Coleman warns. Sure, at times everyone gives more than they get, but there should be a general balance. It's exhausting to always take on the role of morale booster. So give yourself a break.
Another risk of shifting into comfort overdrive: You start feeling like his mom, Dr. Dobransky says. Don't go there. You won't see him as your strong, capable boyfriend or husband but as someone who needs coddling. And how sexy is that? Thought so.
The One Kind of Support You Can Never Go Wrong With
Interestingly, there's a certain type of help that always works, no matter what the circumstances. According to recent research from Columbia University, "invisible support"—giving someone a hand behind the scenes so that he doesn't even realize you're assisting him—boosts a person's mood and relaxes him. (Conversely, support that's done out in the open actually increases a person's stress level. He feels bad that you're going out of your way on his behalf and also feels indebted to you, which adds to the burden.)
So be sweet to your guy in subtle ways, suggests Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of 100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence: Cook up his favorite dinner one night without mentioning anything about it, casually give him a back rub while he's working on the computer, or let him off the hook about attending Aunt Thelma's Fourth of July party with you. It turns out, the best assistance you can give him is concealing the fact that you're even lending him a hand in the first place.
Draw Him In
Ever find that the more you try to convince your guy to open up about a problem, the more he shuts down? This strategy will break the cycle.
Every relationship has a balance of power that experts describe as the pursuer/ distancer dynamic. Here's how it plays out.
The pursuer craves a deep connection and loves sharing his or her thoughts and feelings with a partner. The distancer requires greater emotional and physical space. As the pursuer tries to increase intimacy, the distancer withdraws further.
No surprise here: Women are usually the pursuers. But you can turn the tables. If you're often the one pushing for a tighter bond, detach some—hang out with your friends more, take up a solo hobby, and refrain from texting or calling him as much. As you cool off, he'll start warming up.
Unless he's totally checked out of the relationship, he'll be blowing up your phone.
For instance, let's say he got passed over for a promotion. Telling him "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" as you give him a huge hug, suggesting he talk to his boss, and promising to help him look for something new can read as though he failed to live up to your expectations—not to mention pile pressure on him to succeed next time. Instead, express confidence in him. "Just tell him ‘I know you can handle this,' and leave it at that unless he asks for more," Coleman urges. "Listen to him, then remind him of a time in the past when he kicked ass."
What's more, overreacting compounds the issue because now he has yet another thing on his mind: whether you're okay. Suddenly, he's not only worrying about the original problem, but he's also worrying about you being stressed over it.
"Your concern can amplify the magnitude of the situation for him," Coleman adds. For example, if he got into a fight with a friend, firing off a ton of questions and coming up with ways to fix things might make him feel like it's a bigger deal than he had thought. Play down the drama by letting him take the lead in talking about it.
And It Doesn't Work for You Either
When you get up in his grill, chances are, some of his anxiety will rub off on you, and the last thing you need is two stress cases. Distancing yourself a bit will help you stay calm and level-headed—hopefully he'll pick up on your cue and chill out too. Plus, "if you keep offering more support than you receive, you risk building up resentment," Coleman warns. Sure, at times everyone gives more than they get, but there should be a general balance. It's exhausting to always take on the role of morale booster. So give yourself a break.
Another risk of shifting into comfort overdrive: You start feeling like his mom, Dr. Dobransky says. Don't go there. You won't see him as your strong, capable boyfriend or husband but as someone who needs coddling. And how sexy is that? Thought so.
The One Kind of Support You Can Never Go Wrong With
Interestingly, there's a certain type of help that always works, no matter what the circumstances. According to recent research from Columbia University, "invisible support"—giving someone a hand behind the scenes so that he doesn't even realize you're assisting him—boosts a person's mood and relaxes him. (Conversely, support that's done out in the open actually increases a person's stress level. He feels bad that you're going out of your way on his behalf and also feels indebted to you, which adds to the burden.)
So be sweet to your guy in subtle ways, suggests Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of 100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence: Cook up his favorite dinner one night without mentioning anything about it, casually give him a back rub while he's working on the computer, or let him off the hook about attending Aunt Thelma's Fourth of July party with you. It turns out, the best assistance you can give him is concealing the fact that you're even lending him a hand in the first place.
Draw Him In
Ever find that the more you try to convince your guy to open up about a problem, the more he shuts down? This strategy will break the cycle.
Every relationship has a balance of power that experts describe as the pursuer/ distancer dynamic. Here's how it plays out.
The pursuer craves a deep connection and loves sharing his or her thoughts and feelings with a partner. The distancer requires greater emotional and physical space. As the pursuer tries to increase intimacy, the distancer withdraws further.
No surprise here: Women are usually the pursuers. But you can turn the tables. If you're often the one pushing for a tighter bond, detach some—hang out with your friends more, take up a solo hobby, and refrain from texting or calling him as much. As you cool off, he'll start warming up.
Unless he's totally checked out of the relationship, he'll be blowing up your phone.
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